What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 06:32
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Who then, do I blame.?
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This is soul school!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Why are white women not interested in dating Asian men? Are they not attractive to you at all?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was very sick at this time too.
I couldn’t, believe it.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So, i spoilt her more .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And i lived it daily.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why can’t the British eat or drink anything unless they place a table cloth on the table first?
He knew the spot.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Does having the wrong address on my car insurance invalidate my policy?
Why did i forgive my father ?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Why am I so wanting to suck a penis?
It was going to be , some day.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She married twice! .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I think the readers, may guess!
Was to survive, this bastard.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But ive been too sick for many years..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I said to her
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My life is so biszare .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was 9 years of age.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I have no regrets .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I don,t even have a pension.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was in good health!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But it wasn’t much.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was seconnd youngest,
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im still living with it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Comes on , in middle age.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Ive learnt so much.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We were not on the streets..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
All the time i was locked up.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Would this be the day?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She found it foreign!.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I write beautiful poetry .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I waited trembling.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I will be 64.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She loved him until the end.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My family never makes their pension either.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So whats the point in blame.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
When she asked me how she looked .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One cannot live in the past .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
What did i know ?
We all went to grammer schools
But, we were locked up after school.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Put me off passion for life!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I could never make a relationship work though!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
(And it was in our own minds.)